"For your created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to me." - Psalm 139:13-16
This is one of the verses that I clung to when I was expecting my precious baby. My pregnancy was an extremely stressful time in my life. I had a 2 1/2 year old daughter and my husband left when I was 7 months pregnant with my second baby. I was truly devastated. I couldn't understand why God had chosen to give me a child when He knew my husband was going to leave. I had a dear friend at the time who was going through in vitro fertilization and was unsuccessful and my heart ached for her and her husband. Why God? Surely He knew what He was doing.
We had studied this verse in our Sunday school class during my pregnancy. Not by coincidence as my husband and I were still together at the time. God made sure I knew this verse before the storm came. I had even placed my baby's sonogram picture in my Bible on the page this verse was on. I would refer back to it often over the next few months.
After my husband left, I worried about my baby and my daughter. There were so many things I didn't know and could not understand. So many uncertainties in my life! I didn't even know if I was having a girl or a boy! What would become of us? Who would ever want me and my children? I felt as if I had so much baggage. Some of my friends had not ever married for the first time and here I was going through a separation/divorce with a toddler and a soon to be newborn. How did I get to this place? Had I ruined my life and my children's? They didn't deserve to be in this situation. What had happened to my happily ever after?
I cried a lot. I was sick on my stomach all the time. I even lost 5 pounds in a weekend and the doctor threatened to put me in the hospital if I lost any more weight because I was too far along to be losing weight. I went into premature labor about a month before my baby was due and spent one night in the hospital to stop the contractions. The only explanation for it was stress.
When I would get in the bed at night I would lie in a fetal position and shake because my nerves were just that bad. I was concerned about the little life I was carrying inside me. I had trouble sleeping. It felt as if morning would never come sometimes. My mom said to me, "Why don't you just ask Jesus to wrap His arms around you?" I tried it. I would imagine Him just holding me in his arms and it really helped me to calm down and fall asleep. I also realized that I could talk to Him. He was always awake. I didn't have to wait for morning to call Him on the phone like everyone else.
Finally, on June 7th, 2000, my sweet baby boy, Jackson was born! It was bittersweet, because I was thrilled to have a baby boy, but I wished things had been different with his dad and me. Again, I worried about bringing up this boy without a father at home.
Thankfully, my suffering did not last forever. God did in fact have a plan! My "baby boy" is 10 today and so much has changed in our lives for the better that sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago that we were meeting for the first time in the hospital! Oh, I can remember it like it was yesterday, but I believe that's because God doesn't ever want me to forget. I had to learn to trust God to work it all out. There were many rough spots to go through, but in the grand scheme of life, or even reflecting back on a decade as it may be, the suffering only lasted for a little while.
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." - 1 Peter 5:10-11
I want to encourage you if you're going through a difficult situation right now. I could never have imagined how God was going to work in my life and bring so much blessing and happiness after so much disappointment and hurt. Take comfort in knowing that God is true to what His Word says. We are not promised as Christians that we will have no suffering or pain in this life, but He does promise that it will not last forever and He will restore us and give us strength. Don't give up hope and allow God to strenghten your faith through your trial. You never know how different things may look in a few short years! He may just use it...
For His Glory!
Christy
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